Fair Oaks, Ca—Craig Anderson, 32, a Sacramento-area engineering consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace many of Rudolf Steiner’s lectures, sources reported Monday.

"I honestly feel sorry for Craig," said long time Anthroposophical Society member Brunhilde Heilbronn, 96, who knew Steiner. "To live in this world not believing in clairvoyant visions of Lemuria from the akashic record, doubting that Christ is a sun god—that's such a sad, cynical way to live. I don't know how he gets through his day."

Branch Supreme Council member Klaus Heinrich, who spends roughly 30 percent of his annual income at SteinerBooks, similarly extended his compassion for Anderson. "Craig is a real gentleman," Heinrich said. "It's just too bad he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the supersensible, restricting his beliefs to the limited universe of what can be verified through his own personal experience."

Also feeling pity for Anderson is his former girlfriend Aimee Svenson, a holistic and homeopathic healer who earns a living selling tonics and medicines diluted to one molecule per gallon. "Don't get me wrong—logic and reason have their place," Svenson said. "But Craig fails to recognize the danger of going too far with common sense to the exclusion of alternative New Age remedies like chakra cleansing and energy-field realignment."

"I admit, science might be great for curing diseases, exploring space, cataloging the natural phenomena of our world, saving endangered species, extending the human lifespan, and enriching the quality of that life," Aimee said. "But at the end of the day, only gurus can tell us about the human soul, and that's a critical thing Craig is missing.

Gina Hitchens, a lifelong astrology devotee, blamed Anderson’s lack of faith on an accident of birth.

"Craig can't entirely help himself, being a Gemini," Hitchens said. "Geminis are always very skeptical and destined to feel pain throughout life as a result of their closed-mindedness. If you try to introduce Craig to anything even remotely hard to believe, he starts going off about 'evidence this' and 'proof that.' If only the poor man were open-minded enough to stop attacking everything with his brain and just once look into his heart, he'd find all the proof he needed. But, sadly, he's unable to let even a little bit of blind faith drive his core beliefs."

adapter from
The Onion