EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, gurus of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the glorious new tomorrow that has been collectively promised to humankind for more than six millennia.

"Whether it be the second coming of the Messiah; leaving sinners behind as you fly up to Heaven in the Rapture; a war-free state of universal peace and brotherhood following a unilateral nuclear disarmament; perfect free trade in a coercion-free marketplace; an enlightened 'nirvana' state after a series of karma-accumulating reincarnations; or a state of perfect, rock-hard abs under the tutelage of cable-television fitness guru Tony Little, it would appear that the glorious new tomorrow toward which we have all been striving is, unfortunately, not a tenable goal for the near future," said motivational guru and Personal Power author Anthony Robbins.