As some of you know, I’m offering the hunch that one way of addressing communication breakdowns is to check the assumptions that might be flowing into the language we use...checking to see if these assumptions ever manifest in ways that block what we are looking for when communicating...As somebody who was recently, and suddently, banned (put in timeout) from this site, I probably have more energy associated with this question of communication. I'm not aruging against the rational of my ban (timeout), but I do wish to address any processes that might clarify the issues involved and make it easier when conversations get blocked and cranky.
John has me thinking about what I’ve been calling “needs”….I’ve been claiming that it might help breakdowns if the speakers clarify what would help them stay connected with each other. I just noticed that I am assuming that the desire to “be connected” is something we all share here. I’ll hold onto that, but perhaps I need to specify what that looks like for me:
Being "connected" to me has to do with a cluster of things I need or like or require when talking to somebody. If I think somebody is making fun of me or not listening to me, all kinds of feelings (cold, worried, mad, shame, bored) might arise. I’m suggesting that what arises (I’m calling them "feelings" but there might be better ways to call it) has a specific relationship to my need/desire.
I think our culture teaches us to blame our harder feelings on what is “outside”. This cultivates a type of communication that can look blamey or passive-aggressive. If we ask into how what we are experiencing is shaped by by what we are urging towards (needing), then rather than evaluate the “other”, we might do well to share what we are seeking to stay connected (respect, play, humor, kindness)….
And on the other side of things, I notice that if somebody evaluates me (you are too preacy, too meek, too abstract, too pushy, too uninformed) I react one way. If that very same person let’s me know what’s blocking his or her connection and tells me how I might be able to help, I’m very happy to help…
“gulp, why are you being so obsessive about all this communication stuff” feels different than.
“gulp, I’m needing some space from what you are asking me about. Could you come back to me in a few days on this?”
Same person, same feelings he or she is having…but, man, the first feels like I don’t know where to go…But the second tells me exactly how I can help….
When I look at each place on this website where people get edgy with each other, I look to see if there are any patterns at all in the communication…
Because people are talking about this topic, I just want to share what I see happening.
"Non-Violent Communication" is an actual practice that I hardly know about. I know the outer structure of it. I am not asking us to explicitly go there. I’m using some distinctions made in NVC to aim towards how people here might stay connected in ways that are more satisfying. Bickering and Banning will be unavoidable. But that doesn’t mean that other ways won’t help.
When we get to the topic of Carl specifically, I’ve noticed that he can respond to specific requests. John Ralph once started a conversation with Carl in which he made certain things clear about what he wanted/needed in order to stay in the conversation with Carl. They went on to have a conversation that appeared, to me, satisfying to each while it lasted. At various points John would actually step out and remind Carl of his previously stated hopes/needs.
I decided to try John’s approach recently. I started a conversation with Carl on the topic of his truth principal. I specified what I was looking for and how Carl could help me go there. It was the first time I was able to move forward with Carl. And then, at one point, I told Carl why I might not be able to continue talking, I asked him to help me with something that would let me move forward…He did not respond. What I enjoy is knowing that it’s clear: if Carl ever wants to pick up that specific conversation, he knows exactly how to address me. He doesn’t have to feel fuzzy or unclear about where I am in regards to that topic. And I don't have to assume I know anything about why Carl isn't responding.
This wave of communication dialog is probably about to subside soon. But I assume it will need to come up again…I hope that each time it comes up, we hear more voices expressing what helps them when things get stuck. I would have fun playing with people in new ways when stuck happens. I expect that we all will at times bicker, blame and wish for bans. I imagine there will be times when banning is justified fully. I’m not against that action. But for me it’s more fun to play with somebody when I know what they find playful. Sharing what I find playful might have a touch of selfishness in it, but I find that most people don't mind knowing what makes me laugh harder….
These are just thoughts that come from the part of me that feels this topic is about to fade….and wants to make clear why I added my voice to it. gulp