Shame
Read John 13:1-15 When he had washed their feet, and taken his garments, and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you. John13:12-15
Christ Jesus is our model of perfection. We are not fully human until we can be like him. Our purpose is to dedicate our life to this goal. The Christ Impulse is the real air that we must breathe. We must feel ourselves held underwater, unable to breathe, until we gasp for the Christ Impulse.
We cannot be satisfied with our own achievements, our own effort, unless we “do all things in him who strengthens us” (Php 4:13). Our soul is the battleground where Christ and the Archangel Michael meet the forces of resistance. These adverse forces do not want us to be like the washer of the feet. They whisper to us that we are destined for greater things than that. They give us all the excuses we need to justify our behaviour. They puff us up and make us proud of all our achievements.
In our effort to purify our soul, we must be able to recognise that all our efforts fall short. The teacher, by washing our feet, gives us the example. No matter how hard we try there will always be room for improvement; Right Effort recognises this and is not defeated by it. When we are truly able to see our efforts in the light of spiritual perfection we will blush, we will experience deep shame. While Adam and Eve were still in paradise, at one with perfection, they were not ashamed: “And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.” Gen 1:25
Because we left paradise we were given the experience of shame to remind us to go home. How many people think that spiritual achievements are met with an experience of joy? Far from it, the deeper our spiritual experience the more we recognise how far we are from perfection. Then we will be ashamed of both our achievements and our failures, for both of these falls short of perfection. It follows that our ability to feel shame is directly related to our experience of the Christ Impulse within us.
This experience of shame literally rings a bell in the spiritual worlds. The heavenly hosts were alerted to this signal in the Garden of Eden. Now, when we feel shame, they draw close because they know that through our own effort we are returning home. While we do not feel shame they stand back waiting for us to make the Right Effort.
Right Effort then becomes the path of balance where we purify ourselves. This purification of the soul is the weaving of the wedding garment which the soul must wear for her marriage to the higher self.
In the foot washing scene Christ demonstrates the humility that we must mimic if we are to follow him. He is pointing to the intense shame that we must feel for our own imperfections. If we make mistakes, if we offend others, if we don’t wash the feet of our fellow travellers, we must experience the shame. Our instincts, our ego, will have us withdraw from feeling the shame.
Therefore we need to meet this shame with courage. We cannot be defeated by our imperfections; we must draw on the strength of Christ to endure the real experience of shame. Right Effort means that we do not withdraw from the imperfections of our soul; that we persevere by remembering the example of the foot washing.
In verse 8 we get a sense of the agony of shame when Peter says: “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no part in me.”
The trouble is that the experience of shame is like a burning fire – this fire is revealed when we blush. The flush of shame is caused by the blood surging to the surface. Blood, the vehicle of the “I”, points to the fact that shame is the signal from our “I” calling us to perfection.
If we are to work with our “I” then we must be resigned to bear pain and suffering. The searing pain of shame will be a sign that we have achieved the foot washing humility that Christ said we must experience; otherwise we have no part in him.
Some of these ideas can be found in Macrocosm and Microcosm, Lecture 3 by Rudolf Steiner.
why did they do it
St. John 11:35 'Jesus wept.'
Right Effort is an Ideal
Thank you Kristina for this synchronous and helpful Journal.
It has contributed more than I can express here. My latest journal entries have been stumbling through this ideal. I am convinced that the study of PoF needs to be accompanied by such Right Effort.
Lecture 3 of Macrocosm and Microcosm is online: http://wn.rsarchive.org/Lectures/Places/Vienna/19100323p01.html
shame onward!
Hi Kristina,
Well, you've written something that I can't agree with fully, but you've done so with you customary clarity, beauty and grace.
I know shame well; as, I'm sure, does everybody on this site. It's only been in the last three or four years that I've actually realized the major role shame has been playing in my life from the very beginning. It's easy to recognize shame when we feel the horrible point-blank experience of it; it's not so easy to recognize its more subtle activities. Shame might have you avoid eye contact with a certain person or switch off a particular song on the radio. Shame might be what is making a new job opportunity not sound quite so attractive to you. We don't always feel the tight burn of shame when it is already working itself into our thinking and will.
you say:
If we make mistakes, if we offend others, if we don’t wash the feet of our fellow travellers, we must experience the shame.
My daughter feels ashamed when you draws outside the lines of a picture. Some might think that is cute, suggesting that it is a sign of how much she cares about the picture. She feels ashamed if she witnesses a kiss in front of a grown up (if it's in a play or on the street). When drawing in front of me if she makes a mistake, she will either cover the immedate shame with anger or she will immediately say, "Daddy, I meant to do that. I really did!"
I don't feed it. I love her. I tell her stories about the Ooogles; they are creatures who sneak into the human heart. Their job is to make us forget who we are. Oooogles purpose is to make us think that we don't deserve the love that has been infinitly placed in our hearts. They trick us by misdirection. I tell me daughter vast tales about how the Oooogles snuck into the land of Malafa one night and found their way into the castle, sneaking into the many of the occupants rooms, one of which being the princess herself. The princess woke up feeling strange, irritated...upset.....
My daughter loves being taken into the land of Malafa. She loves trying to notice when an Ooogle is secretly affecting a situation. She knows that Oooogles can not stay in a human heart that simply remembers it's nature, simply is willing to give and recieve the love that it is. My daughter has come up with all sorts of wonderful ways that people can "tickle away the Oooogles".
I'm not suggesting in the least that we should deny the shame we all feel. As a therapist, much of my work is to build a relationship that will eventually allow my client to consciously feel the shame so we can then reallly "look" at what it is composed of....
Shame was first. Before shame their was union. Shame came with being apart from the Father. I think it is unfortunate that shame got first dibs on telling many of our creation stories. Perhaps an externalized God really did punish us for making a mistake, for eating the wrong food. In that case, shame was something the externalized Figure wanted us to feel, along with the rest of the specific pain and suffering He threw down upon us (Did this Man actually expect that those two young souls would not do what they did?)....
In another story shame isn't something the Father wanted for us. We left Him based on a complete misunderstanding of Love. We thought we needed to go out leave Him and we spent ourselves completely in this mistake. But no big deal. We eventually came back ashamed. Was Father happy we were ashamed. No, his love was right where it always was, but we could now see it.
I agree that Ego often tries to shield us from our shame. I think Ego is shame. I think it doesn't want to be seen for what is because then we are one step away from seeing ourselves for what we are. The Oooogls simply don't want to be spotted, so they don't always do their magic by slamming the person into shame. They save that. It can be any combination of shame, guilt, anger, blame, sin....As long as the person is forgetting who they are, the Oooogles are doing their job.
I live with a person who may kill himself. He gives laughter to all around him. He takes care of everybody, meeting their needs long before they even know they have them. But their is a darkness so deep in him that he takes as himself. When he as drank enough alcohol he will share his shame, he will demonstrate what he mostly deeply believes about himself. He KNOWS he is imperfect. He knows exactly how bad he is compared to how wonderful he should be. He knows that it is his fault for these imperfections. I'm worried about him these days. If my friend were to feel who he is, this shame would be joke. I pray he will feel that punchline before it is too late.
I have a client who is ashamed to admit that she feels irritated with her children. I have another client who is ashamed that he can't play soccer the way he used to. We explore the structure of shame: what MUST be there for shame to arise? He looks at all the ways he feels ashamed about himself. He noticed that shame is always based on mental pictures of how he is suppose to be. He notices that shame relies on him constantly comparing himself to all kinds of idealized mental pictures. He sometimes feels shame when he sees pictures of Jesus because he "knows" how far he is from Jesus. I don't think he is. He is starting to feel my disagreement. I don't argue logically or spiritually with him. I just keep my heart focused on Him. As my client looks closer and closer at the shame he has lived with each breath of his life, I ask that he compare it with this Love. In my opinion, the only healthy comparison is between our shame and our identity. That is the last thing Ego wants...
Again, I am not saying we should not feel shame. We do. Most everybody I meet knows exactly how awful they are. Some people revel in their unworthyness. Others do anything to not notice it. I think shame is the given. In that sense only do I agree that it is neccessary. In that sense it is the only protal into true spirit vision.
All I can say is that my experience of who I am obviates shame. I go back to shame repeatedly because I must often still reject my true nature. Perhaps some streams of Anthroposophy will recapitulate the story of shame being a Godly gift, somthing that an externalized being wanted us to feel for breaking His simple rules of "love". I grew up in that religion, so it probably isn't surprising that I was more attracted to Steiner's other comments on shame. But I can see why others would be more drawn to his comments in the "macrocosom, microcosm" lectures. Those would be wonderful lectures to start people from my church with from my home town in Missouri.
And I will definitely acknowledge: shame is one of the most powerful motivators towards perfection that there is. My work as a therapist bring me to believe that shame is the most powerful motivation to become "perfect".
you say:
The searing pain of shame will be a sign that we have achieved the foot washing humility that Christ said we must experience; otherwise we have no part in him.
Otherwise we have no part in him? As your own personal conviction, I have nothing to argue with. If it has been your experience that your Washing of the Feet was dependent upon the searing pain of shame, I am interested in that as yours. But I imagine that if we were in a room full of people talking about their paths towards humility, there would be varied descriptions of the role shame played. If we suggest that people are having no part in Christ just because they Wash the Feet differently, oh boy....back to the drawing board. I would worry about a belief system around the nature of "shame" that was only representing on point of view:
When we are truly able to see our efforts in the light of spiritual perfection we will blush, we will experience deep shame.
I have had that experience. I don't anymore. For me was tied to deep assumption I had been making about who I am, finding myself in the emotional/mental forms that arose in my experiencing. And, yes, it motivated me in strong ways. The more I actually looked at the structure of that shame, the more experience began to dissolve and shift. I would like your statement to be one of many possible consequences of seeing our efforts in the light of spiritual perfection. If we identify with the "imperfection" of our actions, yes, we must feel shame in seeing the "perfection" of our ideal. That is the nature of identification. My daughter blushes when she is seen picking at her underwear. I hope her life will be filled with amazing discoveries about that tight, shameful sense that she could be doing better. I hope she experiences all sorts of shocking moments when that shame is drawn up against how Christ has always been loving her.
Perhaps we fear that if shame is no longer believed in, we won't passionately work to bring love into the world. If we don't hold tightly in mind how imperfect we are, we might just rest on our simple achievments and stop pushing as hard as we can to bring creative love into our families, communities and nations. But I imagine that if we had a room full of 1000 people who are working to bring new creative forms of love to this world, we would not find that shame is the key to their passion; for some, certaintly!
Oh boy, now I get to be ashamed for writing such a clumbsy response to your beautifully put words.....Or not...!
thanks,
Jeff
Shame
Jeff, shame is the Guardian of the Threshold. We practice anthroposophical exercises in order to get a Vision of the entire package that the Guardian is keeping from our view, until we are morally ready to take it in and own it. The exercises prepare us morally for that Vision.
shaming shame
That could fit perfectly with what I was saying.
There will be groups that use the symbols like "Guardian of the Threshold" to get at specific aspects of experiencing. Other groups will get at that experiencing with other symbols. Steiner helped in that he could use an infinate variety of symbols to get at core experiences. This allowed all the various tendencies in his listeners to select the kinds of concepts that work for them.
Groups formed and more will come.
But the joy is that we can choose to let any of our symbols refer directly to the present stream of our experiencing. In this way, "Guardian of the Threshold" and "shame" can be used to help us notice more clearly what we are currently experiencing.
I wasn't objecting to Kristina's post about shame as much as wanting to extend the landscape. I simply don't see shame needing to be understood through one lense. I don't think she was suggesting that, but there was a trace of something very solid, something that others could take to suggest an absolutism that she wasn't intending to communicate.
I can agree with you that shame is the Guardian of the Threshold (lower) and still stand behind also saying that shame is an absolute confusion that is not inherent in our nature. That doesn't mean it can be simply ignored. Shame is who we are as long as we feel God is punishing us for an awful mistake that He didn't expect us to make. Shame is an intelligent response to such a presumption. How could you not feel ashamed if you assume that you chose to do something that God didn't expect you to do? Not only that, God is so dissapointed in your mistake that He will throw you out and give you pain and suffering. You did something so wrong, so imperfect, that even in His "infinite" wisdom, He was utterly shocked by your immoral "choice". In accepting that orgin myth (not in our heads) in our bones, we must know our shame fully and long to earn our way back into His good graces. I don't advocate ignorning shame. I just advocating talking with others about what shame relies on in our direct experience. If you experience etheric currents and akashic memory stations, talk to people who are there as well. If you experience shame associated with presumptions of self and comparative mental pictures, talk to people who do that as well. I worry sometimes that when a spiritual stream has been handed gobs of mental pictures that they themselves did not form, they end up developing a vocabulary that distances them from the directly observable qualities of their experience. I have no problem with images of the Washing of Feet, but it is so important to let all images and stories refer to our present experiences, not try to fit our present experience into the mental pictures of those stories and images.
I think that shame can be taken by the horns and looked straight in the eye. My experience has been that when this really happens shame no longer has a grip. I see it on the faces of my clients when they finally look at it direclty and realize that shame's story simply is not about Who they are; it's a story of confused identification that relies on comparing oneself to false standards. In my view there is a perfect standard to which the Human can be compared; it's the self-sustaining archetype of the Human Being. In other words, if you aren't comparing yourself to Who you truely are, you are comparing yourself to something untrue and your experience will always let you know the nature of your comparison.
I can agree with what you say above, Carl. I simply must make sure it is somehow saying that shame is always a perfect indication of where we are fixing our attention and, therefore, it always provides us with a step towards the other Guardian of the Threshold. But, yes, we must not ignore our presumption of wretchedness. Chrst and I see each other through the same "I"....and it is not a shameful vision at all!
Jeff
Jesuitical
I agree 100% that shame is an important and significant human emotion and I wouldn't be without the capacity for it.
However I am also 100% behind Jeff's urge to extend the landscape and remind us of the huge shadow cast by shame.
I am reminded of the self-flaggelators right down to the present day - Opus Dei and others (yes I confess I did read The Da Vinci Code.. shame shame!). I think there is a danger if people feel that they must feel shame, must focus on it exclusively, must intensify it - it is really easy to actually feel a kind of secret satisfaction in the fact that I am humbling myself and feeling ashamed whereas actually the real me is sniggering in the background loving the whole thing... Steiner goes into this false asceticism a little in Knowledge of the Higher Worlds.
But thank you Kristina for this profound and stimulating piece!
eden's shadow
I like how you put that, Tim. I see shame as the unavoidable first shadow of self. In Steiner's Macrocosm/micro lectures he says that if we actually woke up in our bodies (without falling asleep via the mechanism of the sentient soul) we would feel a fire that is much like shame. I believe that all forms of incarnation are that shame. There can be a fantasy that if we raise a child correctly we will eliminate or massively reduce shame. I don't buy it. Of course, we can do much to fill our children with love and safety and comfort. But shame is a priori; in my PoF lingo I would say that Steiner's I/World Split and Shame are simply different aspects of the same thing.
Did you read Steiner's lecture on micro/macro? It's very interesting to follow his logic. He is saying that we would feel this intense shame because we would be comparing our astral tendencies (desires/antipathies) with the perfection of the etheric and physical bocies. I'm not arguing with him, in that I have no doubt this is just what Steiner experienced for himself when he made such a comparison. But the structure of his logic is interesting to take on its own. How much shame do you feel when you see the perfection of your child's smile or the perfection of a spider's web. Sure, we could argue that we simply don't know how perfect our etheric body and physical body actually look, so we can't say if we would feel shame in seeing their perfection. What I can say is this:
It is a very specific and common motion of the mind/soul that produces shame. It is not just comparison; comparison in and of itself can be a wonderful way to make amazing distinctions. But shame requires that when we compare ourselves to something else we make a very specific type of assumption. This goes into all my rants about "should", but I just want to say that it is very interesting to think about what Steiner must have been doing with his experience of the perfection of his etheric and astral bodies. To generalize beyond his experience gets into the land of mental pictures that feel more real that they are actually being thought. But I do think I have a very strong grip on what one must presume to feel intense shame. You have to believe (on some level) in that Angry God who is shocked by our depravity and you have to indentify with the depraved entity: you are that. Most of us are sophisticated enough not to talk about it so starkly, but when we are in the burn of deep shame, we absolutely "know" who we are (it's a delusion of course). It's a sure fire recipe that I've tested over and over and over....Love just waits for me to step of the stage and get back in my seat where I belong!
jeff
I think I might join in
I think I might join in too!
In our effort to purify our soul, we must be able to recognise that all our efforts fall short. The teacher, by washing our feet, gives us the example. No matter how hard we try there will always be room for improvement;
For me, the teacher by washing our feet shows us that teaching and learning does not imply a power or status relationship. From this comes equality. The comfort of inequality is thrown away and we are left facing the truth about equality. Even Christ gets to wash feet. The shame comes as we shudder at the thought of the feet we might have to wash...
In the foot washing scene Christ demonstrates the humility that we must mimic if we are to follow him. He is pointing to the intense shame that we must feel for our own imperfections.
Mimic! Mimicing might be a good start, but... I would feel more comfortable with "Christ demonstrates the humility that we must strive for if we are to follow him." or even "Christ demonstrates the humility that we must attain if we are to follow him." - but I would much rather "strive for".
From reading Knowledge of Higher Worlds my sense of the Lower Guardian is that he protects us from the full horror of the truth about ourselves. The inner training is to develop the courage required to withstand the shame (amongst other emotions) that we experience when we realise just what a total cobblers we have been making.
I can't see how that courgae can be gained unless we accept that we can't achieve perfection. It is only by letting go of the desire for perfection that we can create. The problem facing the perfectionist is that no work can be released in to the word. Perfectionism leads to will paralysis. The aim of the exercise is not to become perfect, but to be able to bear imperfection.
Not, that is, to be able to bear imperfection by not caring. Rather, to bear it not being perfect despite yearning for it to be perfect.
The searing pain of shame will be a sign that we have achieved the foot washing humility that Christ said we must experience; otherwise we have no part in him.
So what if Christ said we must experience it? MW p135 "I act, at this level of morality, not because I acknowledge a lord over me, or an external authority, or a so-called inner voice;" When I manage to do some foot washing, I'll be doing it out of love of the purpose, with love for the deed!
Interestingly, I once did try some foot washing and ended up being accused of harrassment! C'est la vie!
Are we ashamed of shame?
Thank you for your wonderful contributions to this difficult and important subject.
In my own development I become increasingly aware of that aspect of human nature that wants to experience things either too fully or not at all. By this I mean that when we become aware of an experience - and taking this example of shame - we can enter into it too fully or squash it. In other words, we can overdo it or don't do it. Ditto fear, guilt, jealousy and so on.
The point about striving is that the pendulum must swing. As we connect more fully with our "I" we can feel it as a balancing power which first recognises, then experiences, but only to a point where we can stand in the experience but not be overwhelmed by it. The pendulum travels through the full spectrum, visits the outer extermities of arc but always maintains its balance (perhaps a scientist could explain that better). We maintain this balance in our soul when we allow our "I" to use thinking, feeling and will harmoniously and in support of each other.
Some years ago I read a Steiner lecture about this and I made a diagram of it http://esotericconnection.net/Free_Will
Note the quote at the bottom: "Virtue is the human capacity or skill, guided by reason and insight, which in relation to the human being holds the mean between too much and too little." - Aristotle
K
I think I've felt
I think I've felt everything from the slightest, most subtle sneakings of shame to the burningly impossible pain of shame. I doubt I'm unique there.
Just to be clear, I wasn't trying to focus on how much we like or dislike the feeling of shame. I'm very interested in what it is. I'm interested in what it relies upon. I notice that shame is associated with the notion of "self". I notice that shame relies upon a sense that this "self" has done something bad, sinful...has fallen short.....that this "self" is being seen as wrong and unwanted. This shameful experience seems to presume all of this at once and not as conscious thoughts (although we can clearly articulate them).
I'm interested in what happens to these presumptions in the light of cognition. How much shame is experienced when recognizing Christ. I read your description (and Steiners) as a very accurate description of feelings that must arise if you compare yourself to an image of a separated and disspointed Christ. I know it!!!!!! I was not wanting to say that those experiences don't happen. I was simply arguing that the experience itself is a wonderful picture of the confusion that " Christ in me" resolves. And, again, I only know what I've experienced. It might be that people with certain types of blood or phrensophic astral bodies have a different "Christ in me". For me it has been an experience that utterly reveals the source of my confusion; "Christ in me" utterly changes what "me" means. In fact, after my "Christ in me" became something I could "watch", I realized that the phrase itself didn't quite get at the experience as I knew it. Not that any words would do it perfectly. But "Christ in me" was really saying "Christ as me". Not in a separated, narcissitic sense that I am Christ and you aren't. Not at all, in fact it is the opposite. "Christ in me" was the only way I could know you as our shared Identity. I don't deny that there is an egoic activity that needs to stay separaed and that needs to keep manifesting itself via time for a while longer, but "Christ in me" simply has revealed something that is prior to how those little billions of "me" sort things out in their flee from God.
You ask if we are ashamed of shame. Yes, sometimes. But not always. I can feel guilty about it. I can feel seduced by shame and intrigued by it. I think it must be our ultimate learning opportunity and in that sense I honor it. But more than anything, I just want to notice what it becomes in the light of thinking's self-sustaining activity. For me that has shown shame to be only possible via Ego's most basic and ordinary confusion.
I like how you put the thoughts about remaining in balance with regards to our emotions. With clients I call this the "not to tight, not too lose" principal. Our tendencies are either to identify with what arises or dissociate from it. Each direction serves Ego's purpose perfectly: we flee our nature.
Jeff