We recently had a discussion about relationships; my comment was ambiguous and not taking in general day to day life. If I may place my reply here;
Relationships are not easy. Relationships are hard work! I recommend John Gray’s ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ inspirational book to enrich relationships. This book has helped me further my understanding of men and women. I think adolescents and young married couples would benefit immensely reading this book before it gets to the stage of looking at one’s relationship and wondering what went wrong.
If I may copy a few extracts from John Gray’s book here, and hope it is helpful.
Possibly the biggest problem in relationships today is our tendency to assume that our partners are like us. We mistakenly believe that if our partners love us, they will think, feel, and behave in certain ways. If they are bothered by something, we assume that our way of dealing with problems is best for them. This is rarely the case. With a greater understanding of how men and women are different, we can avoid unnecessary frustration and disappointment.
At no time in history have relationships been so difficult for men and women. It use to be that a man came home from work not expecting to provide more. Coming home was a time to relax and unwind and not another job. Women like wise experience the pressures of going to work and then coming home and feeling added responsibilities. For both men and women, the home is no longer a place of comfort but often an added burden at the end of the day.
When a man loves a woman, his primary goal is to make her happy. Throughout history, men have endured the competitive and hostile world of work because, at the end of the day, their struggles and efforts were justified by a women’s appreciation. In a very real sense, his mate’s fulfillment was the reward that made a man’s labour worthwhile. Men could tolerate the stress of the work world because they could relax and feel nurtured at home.
Women are affected more adversely than men by career stress, for the pressures of work outside the home have doubled their load. On the job, women give as much as men do, and when they get home, instinct takes over and they continue giving. Although some men help out at home, it is rarely with anything close to the energy that a woman tends to give.
When women come home, they too are looking for a wife to greet them at the door.
For most women, the home awakens a nesting instinct. Even if she wants to rest and relax, she can’t until the home is in order. A man is different. Although he may appreciate a neat and tidy home, if he is tired he would rather rest than clean up. In a certain way, men and women have opposite reactions. When tired or exhausted, men tend to care less, while women tend to care more.
The harmful effects of this relatively new pattern are greatly underestimated by women and men. Although I am in no way suggesting that we turn back the clock and encourage women back into the kitchen, it is important that we understand what we have given up. As we stride forward on our quest for a new and better world for women and men, we need to keep in mind the wisdom of the past and use it wherever possible. Contained in that ancient wisdom are certain elements that are essential for female and male contentment.
It is not how much a woman does or how much a man helps out but the quality of her relationships and the emotional support she receives that determine the difference between burnout and fulfillment for a women. By recognizing a women’s need to communicate and share her feelings, a man can more successfully support his partner in relaxing. Likewise, a woman can remember to ask a man for his support gracefully and appreciate his efforts rather than just assuming that he should automatically be motivated to help out. Through good communication and romance, balance can be achieved.
Men are like Rubber Bands
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Most women are surprised to realise that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.
Women misinterpret a man’s pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn’t trust a man to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her. Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her, but then suddenly he will begin to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.
Distance makes the heart grow stronger.
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or run after their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself. He will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.
Women are like Waves
A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved, her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she reaches a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her waves crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom, her mood will shift suddenly and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.
When a woman’s wave rises, she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls, she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning. By recognizing this pattern, a man doesn’t take it personally. When he doesn’t feel as if he is being blamed for her downs, he can be more supportive.
Knowing that a woman’s feelings rise and fall like waves helps a man to be understanding without taking it personally.
If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, she begins to experience those negative feelings and unfulfilled needs on the downswing. During this downtime, she especially needs to talk about problems and be understood. This experience of downtime is like going into a dark well. When a woman goes into her well, she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling. She may suddenly experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings. She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupported. Soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better. As suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love in her relationship.
Harmony, Diversity, Appreciation and happy relationships!